1. not soft; solid and firm to the touch; unyielding to pressure
2.involving a great deal of effort, energy, or persistence
I’m really hoping this feeling of anxiety subsides soon. What if it doesn’t? What will I do then? I don’t know. I really don’t know. “They” say that “time heals all wounds”. So I wait. Waiting impatiently for this day to arrive.
Day after day I hold on but don’t let go. I hold on thinking this will be the day. The day life is going to get better. And while I wait, an interesting event has taken place.
I think I may beginning to know things, see things clearer, and be. Ironically, this could also be what is causes more anxiety.
Thinking I have a clue, a grasp, dare I say, an answer. An answer to what plagues deep inside. The items you don’t share with anyone else, even those closest to us. In fear of rejection or a final diagnosis that I may actually be crazy. The real kind.
But instead I may have found some tranquility in the darkness. “I know it doesn’t take a genius to realize that sometimes life is hard.” In the meantime, the effort and energy, and persistence goes just as hard towards the visions of what I see ahead and fight to believe it.
Push yourself to believe again.
Choose forgiveness and peace…and live as you heal over.
And you know what? The battle doesn’t get easier to manage as time goes by. Especially if you don’t know who you are. If not careful to understand the time & place for each and how they impact YOU, you will be lost.
How ironic to have to think & feel to know, when to feel vs. think and think vs. feel. It’s annoying.
Even Superheros get confused and mix it all up. I mean just watch any Superman movie.
After the heart wants something so deeply which it can not have, by the time the brain catches up and absorbs this, there’s quite a mess left to clean up. Having said that, I’m slowly cleaning it up. There is hope for me yet!
Not always easy when impatience enters the equation. And I go get impatient. Quite frequently. Realizations occur when you least expect them and when they do, you just want to get on with it. BUT, again, what you realize in your brain as the rational thing to do, isn’t always cohesive for your heart.
Balancing them equals knowing~
1. How decisions made by the brain should have a genuine connection to the heart feeling content
2. How the hearts passion fuels the brain’s capacity to act and provide further peace to the heart
“History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats.” ~ B. C. Forbes
“In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love.”
5. to cause (something) to spread gradually outward in form
6. to shine or glow
Ugh. What is coming? What shall it be like? Will there be joy? Will I find peace? Or does this not exist?
It would be a relief to know so I can plan either way but this is not going to happen. Life comes on it’s own terms and then it’s up to you. Do you want to watch your life pass you by…or not?
I choose “or not”. Even with the Rocky Road sundae served, I am still choosing “or not”. Even with the overwhelming frustration of wasting in a place in time which didn’t know my value. Or is it that I didn’t know my value?
I will not let the story end there.
It’s my time now. To figure out my place in this new world of mine.
The colors are beginning to come into focus and the shadows are getting lighter and brighter. Looking over my shoulder is no longer an act of fear but one to acknowledge how far I have traveled and it reaffirms where I still must go.
The pages of this new chapter are still mostly blank. But not for long. Life has come back, suggesting I continue writing my story with each new day.
Isn’t that what we all want? The perseverance to survive and thrive as we journey on?
None of us are meant to go out an inconsistent flare but rather to continue spreading our glow. Gradually, outwardly.
Just as the dawn comes up slowly over the mountains, here comes OUR sun.
1. the abode of god, the angels, and the spirits of the righteous after death;the place or state of existence of the blessed after the mortal life
a. used interjectionally to express emphasis, surprise, etc.
b. a wooden roof or canopy over the outer stage of an Elizabethan theater
3. The sky, firmament, or expanse of space surrounding the earth
4. a place or state of supreme happiness
Supreme. Wow. Have you had that? Something supreme. Have you felt this?
Contrary to it’s assumed positive undertone, it’s impact is best made in the darkest of times. Why? Maybe because it’s at our most desperate, we are able to SEE. To see with clarity. This is what I believe. This conclusion didn’t come easy though.
I avoided it for a long time. Why? Because I wanted to believe in something. I had a vision. A vision which I always believed in. But then it was gone forever, before even beginning, never to be a reality. It died. It died just within my grasp.
When something dies, it creates a pain. A pain to carry. You just carry it wherever you go. A constant weight on the heart, which you pretend isn’t there. Pretending.
But as most things ignored, it won’t be ignored for too long. And when that moment arrives, it’s frightening, isolating, and baring. Exposing one’s most intimate fears and beauty. Both full and knowing. Knowing you need to SEE both, to survive what you carry.
Alas, there is a purpose to the pain.
My mission is to understand that purpose. If that’s possible. It might take days or it might take eternity. But one thing is clear, I look upwards and onward …and know exactly why.
Well I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor (you know)
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
“The thing to do, it seems to me, is to prepare yourself so you can be a rainbow in somebody else’s cloud. Somebody who may not look like you. May not call God the same name you call God – if they call God at all. I may not dance your dances or speak your language. But be a blessing to somebody. That’s what I think.” ~Maya Angelou